Drought

With a dry head and a sour heart
I walk the slope
without knowing where it takes me
I am poor, without hope.

Lost in thoughts I take my seat
my face soaked in sweat
sweltering heat.

The preaching starts
people are absolved
I space out
and, nothing gets solved.

This goes on
things don't change
I revisit fantasy
nothing there as well.

I go back to bed
wrapped up I lay
Dreams repeat
tomorrow is same as today.

Uncertainity

I don't know. It's a weird feeling. Something which is similar to a depression, but very subtle. Something hard to explain, but experienced by all. I can say that because of my instincts. I feel this a phase which everyone in their 20's would have gone through. You can call it a quarter life crisis, mid-life crisis or an existential crisis. Names are many but I feel the state is the same. The state of uncertainty. Simply put, a phase a where you don't know what you are doing.

There are many movies on it. millions of articles about it online, but none with a simple solution. Eventually it is about you and only you. If you can crack what the great puzzle of life is then you have found peace in life. If you haven't then you are desperate. Desperate to know what it is all about. Why are we alive? What are we doing? Where are we going? What should we do? There are a bunch  of such questions which keep pestering you. Knocking on your soul every now then trying to grab your attention.

But they are just a manifestation of your anxiety. The earlier you heed to these calls the earlier you crack the puzzle, hence the earlier you find peace. But it has not been easy for me though. As I said earlier, everything seems to involve uncertainty.

Sometimes I feel uncertainty is a great feeling, because there is nothing much to expect of it. But is it?

Am I just new to the line or waiting in an adjacent one? I don't know

But amidst all this there is one thing I am sure of

That I am 'uncertain'.

Four mugs of beer

I'm high. I just had 4 mugs of beer, but still high. It's something more than alcohol which brings me to this stage. It's probably because I drank, drove a black piece of junk ( my black kinetic zoom, well actually it's my father's) and didn't speak a word about what I felt, with the "girl whom I liked". She was all the time with me, 15 minutes to be exact, the time taken to travel from sports bar in park square to her place near graphite India, Balaji pg, the place where I lived for a month, thinking that I could get close to her , but. ...I didn't dare. I didn't dare to get close to her and I didn't dare to tell her about it when she was with me on the way back home. I just didn't...

I don't know what it is that stopped me or that has been stopping me from telling her about it. I wouldn't have probably even written about this if I wasn't drunk right now. I keep thinking what that is that restricts me from telling her what I truly feel about her. I remember her telling me,  every time I probed her about what she feels about love, relationships and things like that,  that she doesn't want one. That she has had enough with this guy of hers with whom she was when she was studying engineering in Mysore. Mysore. .. she was in Mysore for four years and I was in Bangalore, 143.1 kms(to be exact) away from her from 2009 to 2013, and I googled it just now. Anyway coming back to what I was saying, she was fed up of this whole relationship concept , and so, wanted it no more. Trust me, that really made me not to tell her about what I felt about her, when I was riding my bike with her, just an hour ago, and during the 5 months I spent with her and even when I partied with her on the new year's night.

 Not only that, my confidence too Held me back always. I was and presently I am not confident about telling this girl what I really feel about her. I just feel so frustrated about why I hold my self back every time. There was this Angel sitting right behind me and I am in my so called " Tiger state" after having four mugs of beer and yet.... I was such a pussy... I just didn't do it. All that I should have done was to have stopped my bike, removed my helmet and told her what I really felt about her.

But...I ....didn't....
I just.... didn't.


P.S. : my vocabulary is not that of an average Blogger, and here I have, just tried to put forth what I felt. Thank you.